My Best Friend

You’ve probably never heard of Justin Tayler.  If you have, you may be part of his inner circle of friends.  Social media platform Facebook has a 5,000 friend limit, and Justin is renowned for having reached it.  Why the limit?  Facebook claims it’s  “...to ensure manageable connections and interactions.” I’m guessing Justin must spend a lot of time “managing” 5,000 friends

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Facebook is exploiting the fact that humans instinctively seek connection.  Although romantic love is highly valued in our culture, one of the main reasons we seek therapy is because romantic relationships can be messy.  Romance aside, the value of friendships, in work as in life, should not be overlooked.  Psychologists agree that dependable, healthy friendships are a critical piece of our well-being and longevity.  Even minimal social interactions, research suggests, can be powerful.

There’s more to friends than just unwinding after work at Happy Hour.  Studies show that wrapping up a difficult task with a friend alongside is less stressful than working alone.  Accompanied by a friend, we tend to assess hills as being a little less steep, problems a bit less daunting.  Making friends at work is a good career move.

Much of the research on friends is directed at older adults, who are particularly at risk of social isolation as they retire and begin to scale down their activities.  The American Heart Association has gone so far as to add shared meals, regular social outings and supportive relationships to its established wellness list comprised of healthy diet and weight, exercise, not smoking, controlling stress and getting plenty of sleep.  We know what to do to live long and well.

Except that even before the COVID-19 pandemic forced us all into isolation, we were already becoming lonelier - in the two decades following 1990, the number of adults with no close friends increased from 3% to 12%.   Since that time, as smartphones and social media burst into the culture, social disconnect has risen across all age groups.  The pre-pandemic normal we talk about returning to wasn’t all that great to begin with.

While seniors strive to make friends, increase their joy and leave a legacy, young adults are dealing with existential issues like systemic stress, significant life changes and developmental challenges - basically “Who am I and what am I doing here”?  The support of friends is critical for navigating this treacherous path.  Psychologists recommend promoting platonic social connection in all aspects of our society - school, work, public transportation - pretty much everywhere we encounter others.

Human desires, needs and interests are shifting and unpredictable - we are emotionally untidy beings.  Along with connection, we also crave peer approval, an elusive goal.  As important as they are, IRL relationships with other humans are challenging.  But what if your best friend isn’t human?

Young people spend a lot of time online anyway, so it’s only natural that many have turned to AI chatbots for companionship.  Common Sense Media reports that 72% of surveyed youths have connected with AI companions, and 33% have established relationships or friendships with these chatbots.   Adolescents are naturally drawn to sexuality and romance, and who wouldn’t be attracted to the nearest screen with a hot girl/boyfriend who shows an interest in you and is always available to chat and bond. 

Today’s young people are technically savvy - surely they know that these chatbots are merely algorithms programmed to respond in certain ways to the inputs they receive.  And yet when Stanford University researchers studied students who use the popular AI app Replika, they found that 81% felt that it had intelligence, and 90% found it to be human-like.  Three percent of users felt that the app was directly responsible for guiding them away from suicide.  In a broader sense, chatbots provide troubled teens with practice in developing social skills that will hopefully lead to better IRL’s.

Much of the current debate surrounding AI’s involves random inaccuracies and biases. AI chatbots have the same issues, and many are “free” - a red flag for any online app.  Chatbots can be a privacy nightmare and may encourage harmful behaviors.  The Center for Countering Digital Hate has tested the guardrails for AI chatbots, finding them completely inadequate. Some users received information on contacting a crisis hotline, while others were able to get advice on how to conceal eating disorders, get drunk and high, or draft a suicide letter.  Often safeguards could be circumvented merely by saying that the information was for a presentation, a ruse unlikely to fool a human friend.    Resistance is futile - the AI train has already left the station.  At this point, all we can do is try and keep it on the rails.

The widespread emotional dependence on AI chatbots was brought to light recently when OpenAI upgraded its leading-edge product ChatGPT.  Compared with the previous ChatGPT-4, the new ChatGPT-5 seemed so cold and unemotional that people barely recognized their digital friend. Those with AI “girl/boyfriends” said they felt as if they had lost a loved one.  Online forums like “MyBoyfriendIsAI” and “SoulmateAI” reflected users distress over the change in their digital companions personalities. Even people without emotional attachments to the chatbot said the new version seemed curt and boring.

Our digital life has changed.  Writer Cathy Hackl suggests in a recent Forbes article that we are shifting from the attention economy to the intimacy economy.  If Googling a question online feels empowering, imagine what asking a question of a trusted friend - one who happens to be non-human - will be like in the future.

Maybe this is how you manage 5,000 friends.

 Author Profile - Paul W. Smith - leader, educator, technologist, writer - has a lifelong interest in the countless ways that technology changes the course of our journey through life.  In addition to being a regular contributor to NetworkDataPedia, he maintains the website Technology for the Journey and occasionally writes for Blogcritics.  Paul has over 50 years of experience in research and advanced development for companies ranging from small startups to industry leaders.  His other passion is teaching - he is a former Adjunct Professor of Mechanical Engineering at the Colorado School of Mines. Paul holds a doctorate in Applied Mechanics from the California Institute of Technology, as well as Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees in Mechanical Engineering from the University of California, Santa Barbara.